I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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