He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
