Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Randomize
