This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
When are your genitals available?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
