So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Randomize
