Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
sex in a hospital.. check
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
