Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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