it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
