R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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