Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Randomize
