I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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