so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
