Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
