Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
