He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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