Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
