You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
