I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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