I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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