Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
