Taylor Swift is so right about you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
