just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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