i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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