I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
