He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
