I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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