My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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