he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
