the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
