I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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