he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
