I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
