Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
