Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
