mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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