Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
