About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
