I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
