I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
