i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my being single is dangerous.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
