I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
