sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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