You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
