I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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