i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
