I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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