I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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