I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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