Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
