I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
